“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
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Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you