APOLOGISE NOW!!!
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I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents