Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
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Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’