My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
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Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭