[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
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CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
sugar glider wrangler
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Hit me in the face with a bird
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015