I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
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[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Someone just threatened to call me later