I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.