Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
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you stereotypes are all alike
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
asking santa clause for nudes
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.