When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
You Might Also Like
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*