I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichĂ©s.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes