You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
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How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.