I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
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Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I’d … I’d rather not.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.