Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
You Might Also Like
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.