Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
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I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way