ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
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Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.