Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
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Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.