Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
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My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Customer is always right
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
One venti cheeseburger please.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help