I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
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Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
“HELP WITH CAT”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Confused owl: What?!
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.