Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
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“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Help Wanted
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.