Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
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[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)