<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
constantly working on myself.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[adds another nod to the conversation]
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?