Once again not all heroes wear capes
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inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice