The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
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[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.