[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
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A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I鈥檓 playing Jenga
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 馃拃
multitasking lunch
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I鈥檒l be wearing them out
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?鈥擨 mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I鈥檓 a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*