Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
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Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
who wants to go expliring
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.