Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
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4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.