“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
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They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*