Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
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Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Ugh
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.