Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
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HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
umm…
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist