It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
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Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Cat is stressing him out.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?