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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.