FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
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people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
calling in to work dehydrated
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I’m not alone. I have ants.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Not recommended for beginners.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again