*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
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Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Cha-ching is my safe word
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.