My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I’m calling the cops.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes