I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
You Might Also Like
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Poetry is my passion
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police