why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
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Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
iPhone X
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?