I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
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A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.