*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
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Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.