if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think đ€
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Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, âRABIES.â Oh, okay.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: Iâm here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Client, âI just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.â
Me, âWell, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, Iâm thinking your best place is probably living in your parentâs basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.â
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesnât take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, âYou canât believe everything you read on the Internet.â
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Thought Iâd be trendy and try one of these âalternative milksâ.
I donât know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horribleâŠ
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Guys in the 90âs who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Husband: youâre late
Me: would you believe me if I said itâs because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I canât haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOUâRE BORING AF.
Me: *puts âexorcistâ on rĂ©sumĂ©*
đ„đŁ
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] sheâll love this
midwife: she wonât
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name