[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
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me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”