[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
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[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
How I like cutting carbs
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!