Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
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There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
*skinny dips into black hole
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.