*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
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[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I just ran a .003048K
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Why is no one talking about this?!
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath