My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
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When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
This meal prepping shit easy
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.