You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
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“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Smells like a challenge to me
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
cats when you pet them too long:
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil