My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
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Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.