I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
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[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year