*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
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Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*