I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
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There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.