[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
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Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar